It’s been over two weeks since my final chemo. I was honestly expecting to be in a much better place than I am by this point. Not so much. Yes, I do feel somehow better as a whole, but the individual parts seem to be continuing to break down.
For example- my eyes and nose have started constantly running. Apparently, along with my eyelashes and brows, my tear ducts have given up the will to live. They just spew tears out of my eyes all day long. It is not only inconvenient, it creates super awkward situations.
Case in point, I was just at the library with my child picking up some lighthearted reads when the librarian asks me if I am okay because I am ‘crying.’ Now I have to explain to a stranger why I am crying, cancer, chemo, the whole freaking nonsense.
Nose running: So you know how chemo makes your hair fall out? Let’s think about all the places we have hair… My legs look smooth and shiny (I haven’t needed a bikini wax in months) and now I have no nose hair, so mucous just flows on out. Cute! It’s an adorable new trait I’m super proud of.
I don’t know why this is happening now, but I have become so exhausted all the time in the last week or so. And it’s not just feeling tired- I have started to look tired. And people are noticing.
I walked into the medicinal marijuana dispensary yesterday and was greeted by a, ‘Oh, you look tired today.’ Let’s break this down- a person who spends their day helping people sick enough to require a medical marijuana license looks at me and feels compelled to comment on my weariness.
I am having a hard time remembering what ‘normal tired’ feels like, but I am pretty sure the way I am feeling now is extreme. Yesterday I laid in bed for many, many hours doing nothing. Not sleeping, not reading, not watching tv, just laying with my eyes closed and an ice pack on my head.
On the other hand, I have been able to start exercising again, but it wipes. me. out. I feel energized and great while I am working out, but the rest of the day is a wash, as I am pooped. There is a balance to be struck there, just haven’t figured it out yet.
And you know what is confusing? I don’t seem to be losing any weight despite the fact that I’m trying really hard. And by ‘trying really hard’ I mean I had a scone as an appetizer before my lunch of broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl which I ate all of then used the empty bread vessel as a means to eat a lot of butter. Weird, right?
So the moral of the story is that I am a hairless sloth. I didn’t think it was possible to look more pathetic than I already did, but I seem to have sunk beneath my own personal low. Once you physically become the worst Snapchat filter of the old, tired man with the bloated face, you can only go up from there, right?