This is Not Porn

See that under my dress? That is my drain bag and tubing.

When I took that picture I thought to myself, this seems risqué to put on a public blog, which got me thinking.

We put on bathing suits all summer long and go out in public. The outline of my body is not what I am ashamed of, it is all of the hacking that has been done to it in recent times. This was a bit of a revelation.

Collating all the thoughts of, ‘my body is me, I am my body,’ but, ‘I am not defined by my body, it is merely a vessel for my being,’ has gotten so complicated in my head that I can’t unravel where I currently stand.

I am so grateful for my physical body that keeps me walking, talking, functioning, but at the same time, it has betrayed me in a pretty intense way. Is my body even mine anymore, now that it has been chopped up and served back to me with a side of tubing? How to make heads or tails of it?

My current answer is: I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel ready to show you all what is going on underneath. I feel I can’t be burdened with it alone anymore. I don’t know if what I have is beautiful, gory, a masterpiece, or a nightmare. I just know it is all I have got.

I summoned my best Demi Moore. Vanity Fair 1991, GI Jane, and a smattering of Striptease (shout out to my homeboy Andrew Bergman), to show you the real deal.

This is it. This is what I’ve got. Had you seen me at the pool wearing this bathing suit (would have put on the top, can’t for obvious reasons),  with hair and a couple of kids running around me, you wouldn’t think twice about the ‘average 30-something woman.’ But if you saw this? What would you think?

I am trying to be proud. I am trying to be motivational, but I am also trying just to get through the next hour, the next day.

I am showing you all this image because I now have a voice for young women with breast cancer. I know you are out there hiding your scars, drains, extra 5 (FINE 8) pounds under your giant dress. You are not alone. I am not alone.

Just like me, try to love your body today and appreciate it for all of its internal drainage capabilities.

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Meghan says:

    As I mentally get ready for my surgery on Tuesday and I am completely consumed by the idea of drains, I want to say thank you for posting this. I know it’s not easy.

    Like

  2. Anonymous says:

    Grace, you are impacting so many people with your posts. You are brave and my hero for speaking up for so many. Yay for you. You are not alone.

    Like

  3. Noelle says:

    I am awed by you and your ability to go through chemo,take care of your family and write blog.
    By the way you look gorgeous!

    Like

  4. Anonymous says:

    I hate that you are going through this. It seems so unbelievably hard and shitty. But you strength is amazing…and so are you! You are gorgeous hair/no hair and drain/no drain. Keeping on fighting lady! You are inspiring in countless ways!

    Like

  5. Iridacea says:

    While considering whether to have a single or double mastectomy, I considered the advantage that with a double mastectomy I could garden topless. After all are not nipples the enemy of the righteous? Sans nipples my body would be rescued from being obscene. I opted for the single, and haven’t gardened naked yet, but perhaps a one sided shirt is in my future…
    Bravo stepping forward, you are most definitely not alone. May your internal drainage kick in soon.
    L & L iris

    Like

  6. Anonymous says:

    You are my young hero. God you are gorgeous girl!!!! Hang in, keep your sense of humor and start worrying about if Donald gets elected! You have strong taken care of and remember how many people love you madly…..carinos, Mrs. P

    Like

  7. Anonymous says:

    This brought me to tears. What a giant step forward for you, after you struggled so terribly after losing your hair. We knew you’d rally fast, and you did! You are beautiful, and you are changing peoples’ perspectives on this process. Forza! E vai cosí!

    Like

  8. catrinashaw says:

    You are fabulous! So glad I came across this post, I hope all is well with you X

    Like

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